Freedom: Final stage of the big chop

Finally did it!
I cut off the remaining 1/4 inch of relaxed hair off of my head.
I think it’s sad that I had to wait on some type of ‘approval’ from those around me to do it – well, perhaps not, but I felt more free to do so after said approval.
That in and of itself is an aspect I would love to lose.
I want freedom.
Not a disrespectful freedom that pisses on everyone else around me, but a liberating freedom where I no longer feel bound by things in my head.
At least I have a tiny aspect of that with my hair.
Freedom from relaxers, touch-ups, breakage, stressing about ‘hair’.
Just, freedom.
After cutting the remainder of the relaxer from my hair I showered.  It was almost baptismal.
I washed a lot more than cut hairs down that drain tonight…

Frustrations are high tonight and I feel like I am getting pushed

Sometimes I feel like certain people in this house try to push me into episodes or something.
Or is it that my illness isn’t taken seriously?
I don’t know,  I am just tired of being tried then having to push my rage down. 
One day I may not be strong enough to do so,  it may be the wrong day or the wrong end of an episode and I will let someone have it.
I don’t want to do that,  but it almost seems inevitable if there aren’t some changes made immediately.
How do you get understanding for something that’s difficult to understand without putting lots of effort to do so?
I mean,  a person cannot understand bipolar from reading (skimming) a few mediocre articles on the subject.
Don’t get me started on the ‘problems comparisons’ that certain conversations turn into…
Ugh,  I am so friggin frustrated right now.
Please stop pushing,  poking and prodding me!

A family affair: Should I transition my daughter’s hair?

Been doing a LOT of reading this past week regarding natural hair maintenance and care.
One thing I learned was exactly how important moisture is and how to properly moisturize so that my delicate 4C/B hair doesn’t get brittle and break.
I’m feeling a lot more positive about starting over natural.  That’s a good thing.
But I’ve been thinking about my daughter’s hair and possibly transition her hair as well.
She’s spent most of her life natural and I love her natural hair and would love to help her come to love it (again) as well.
I know I could take care of her hair and keep it done, conditioned and moisturized so it can grow again.
Her hair has the potential for abundant growth,  but only when she’s relaxer free.
I may transition her this summer with braids and throughout the school year next year.
You know, simply stop relaxing it and take good care of it and basically keep it braided up for an entire year.
We’ll see how it goes,  but I’m pretty sure my mind is made up on this.
I’ve come to this conclusion because since she’s been relaxed,  she’s had lots of breakage and her growth has stalled in the past six months or so.
She also has constant split ends –  even with my keeping them trimmed.
I think her hair,  like mine,  does NOT like being relaxed.
Well see how this summer goes with the braids.
Will probably do it next week if hubby buys the hair.

BIG chop: Final act

I’ve been holding onto this stupid hair.
Mostly afraid of what he’ll think if/when I just cut the rest off.
I still have a low/thin spot in the back of my head and holding on to this 1 1/2 inch of relaxed hair (with a thin/balding spot in the middle) is proving to be futile.
Initially the idea was to leave enough there so that I can get braids.
Well, obviously from the recent goings on in my house lately, getting braids anytime soon is a no go, so I figured cut off all the relaxer and spend time nurturing my hair.

I’m just going to cut it off.

He will have to get over it.

Relaxers and my hair just do not get along.

This is just the way it’s got to be.

Cutting the rest off tonight before my shower.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

I’ve slowly been accepting embracing a more natural me.
Both inside and out.
Accepting my hair has been a challenge.
I’m not sure why,  but it has been.
I’ve been natural before,  several times actually and I happily embraced it and celebrated my hair.
I eventually would feel pressured by employment aspects and lose steam and resort back to relaxing.
This last time though,  I just accepted (what I thought was) the fact that I was just always going to be relaxed.
So I committed to growing my hair and ‘never cutting it again’.
Only to discover early on that the hair in my crown does not do well with relaxer.
In its natural state it is the softest part of my hair (it’s all very soft natural).
Relaxed on the other hand,  it’s a quickly graying, wiry, hard, and dry mess that breaks and never gets any longer than 3 inches.
The rest of my hair however flourishes relaxed.
Go figure.
I was quickly developing a bald spot.
IN THE TOP OF MY HEAD!
I am kind of forced to go natural.
I never quite knew how to style my hair,  relaxed or natural.  But my husband really didn’t like my natural hair looking unkempt and that’s a LOT of pressure on me because I have to go natural now to save my hair.
Don’t get me wrong,  I can’t wait for my natural hair to grow back in (I relaxed just 2 weeks before I decided to save my hair) to feel it’s softness and finger my curls!
I’m more concerned with how I will be accepted by my husband.
Anyone else,  I could care less.
He often exclaims his disdain for older women wearing small afros.
I’m going  to have a small afro for a while.
I really can’t deal with the jokes or being insecure about it.
Sigh
Pressure to always have my hair done.
Oh well, natural hair is a lifestyle change so…

BIG Chop!

So we did it,  and by ‘we’,  I mean my daughter and I.
Now it’s ‘pamper my hair‘  time.
It’s in bad shape and I’ve got to get it into better shape to start that natural journey of mine.
I’ve taken the first step and cut off all the damaged (and not so damaged)  hair.  Now I’ve got to urge it to grow back and fill in.
Natural it is.
Relaxers just don’t agree with my hair.

Big chop?

My hair is relaxed.  I remember not really wanting to do it when I did,  but my SO liked it better relaxed plus I wanted a job and where I live (in a very racist small town) your chances of landing a job with a nappy Lil fro are slim to none.
Two years later, I had great growth but lots of breakage.
My breakage has gotten so bad now that the entire back of my head is no more than two inches long while the front,  sides and very back are about 7.
Yeah, it’s time to cut this shit off.
I’m holding onto a dream.
Because of this, I have seriously been thinking about going  natural again.
I mean last time I tried.  I really did.  But I just didn’t know what the fuck I was doing and looked a hot ass mess most of the time.
I was considering this time to rely on braids (extensions),  wigs and headwraps to look decent.
I don’t know.
I don’t want to make any rash decisions.
I mean,  it really isn’t that serious.  I just want my hubby to like how I look too.
Ugh… Decisions,  decisions.